Garish Hues

I relate a lot to this as well! This was a really nice read. 

Although I've ended up being comfortable with most everything about myself at this point in time, the journey was very long and winding, and there are still so many places in my sexuality and the way I relate to my body that I haven't explored yet, and that it feels a little strange to look at, or think about, or even know that they are there. I used to think I was cis and straight, then a transbian, but then turns out I'm pan, and then no actually I love some aspects of masculinity... 

Like, what the fuck is going on with that? Now I identify as non-binary, but I function in a kind of "mirror-gender" kind of way, like how I feel shifts based on the people I'm spending time with and how I relate to them. Some of my lovers make me feel gay, but my girlfriend makes me feel like a lesbian? What a fucking mess. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully untangle this bullshit, but also to me there's a kind of solace in this, a sort of peace. 

Can't slap a label, can't ever know what's going on for real, but there's just... The blind acceptance of a perfect wholeness of the self, that goes beyond what I can fathom. That's all that remains for me at this point, and it feels complete and peaceful. I just like how I look, my lovers like how I look, and I feel like me, even if what that means can change from day to day.

Good luck in your journey; I think the shifting and changing and confusion and backtracking and abandonment is all beautiful in its special way. I think you're not alone. Take care and fuck the patriarchy.

Thank you for making this. I can relate to feeling confused. 

I spent years in my youth agonizing over my sexuality. Was I gay, was I straight, what was I? I did settle into the gender identity of nonbinary pretty comfortably, it does feel like it fits, but what about my sexuality? I’m 22 and I still don’t know. Am I a lesbian? Using that word for myself feels uncomfortable as a trans masculine person because it associates me with being a woman, But I’ve always related to lesbian romances more than straight ones. And lesbians can be butch, even trans masculine, like Feinberg, right? Still it doesn’t quite feel comfortable. Is that because it isn’t right for me or because I have internalized shame? And I don’t even know if I am romantically attracted to people. Do I like th idea of a relationship more than a real one? Could I be aromantic? I feel like I should know by now, but I don’t. It’s… frustrating.

That’s a long way to say I relate to what you are feeling.